broken_ri

grandma update

2008-10-26T10:44:50Z

all the tests they took at the hospital all came out ok. they think this all happened from severe dehydration. she had been vomiting and having diarrhea quite a bit for a few days, and that can cause dehydration. and dehydration can kill you. besides, she's 88, elderly people are affected a lot more by things.
what happened was pretty bad.. i seriously thought she died at one point. :( we all thought for sure she was having a major stroke.

so praise god she is home from the hospital now!! she came home this evening and is doing a lot better.

thank you for your continued prayers.

you know, sometimes i think, should i really be asking for healing from alzhiemer's? are people ever healed from alzhiemer's? i think most people would think that i'm just wasting my time. but then, i know god can do anything.. why am i doubting god? : /
i know she can't be with us forever, but while she is here with us we want her *with* us.. her mind, her memory.

my grandma

2008-10-25T07:58:33Z

i never got around to posting in here about my grandma, but i know brandon did. i just posted in facebook real quick at the time because it was what happened to be opened when all this happened.
i posted a few more details later on in response to wayne's reply, but now that my mom is home i found out i got a few details wrong.
what happened was, someone heard my grandma calling for my mom, because as she was trying to get up out of bed she started having one of the horrible cramp she gets sometimes which cause her unbearable pain. my mom went in and that is when my grandma stiffened up and her eyes became fixed straight forward then rolled back. then lori came in and started massaging her and talking to her and she finally started coming out of whatever happened.
then the paramedics came, and she's been at the hospital ever since. she seems to be doing a lot better, talking and making sense. they have done some tests and one thing they say is she was very dehydrated which could have cause what happened, but a lot of the test results are not back yet.
my grandma was officially diagnosed with alzhiemer's a couple weeks ago and has had some good days and bad days, but she is no where near like she was before going on her trip to phoenix.. she said that one day she woke up and she could barely talk, barely walk, and she was having trouble remembering things. i guess that's how it hits sometimes, just all of a sudden.. i can barely hear her now, she just can't seem to talk very loud anymore, and sounds very hoarse.
this of course has been very stressful for everyone.
when she left for phoenix to visit janet last may, she was grandma, but when she came back a few weeks ago, she is just so different.. :( it's hard.. :( :(
the doctor gave her some medication for the alzhiemer's that is only supposed to 'maybe' help her for 6 months, then they say there is nothing else they can do..
but that is why my trust is not in human doctors, my trust is in god, and i choose to pray and believe for healing.

also, today, when they gave my grandma oxygen, my mom and joyce said that my grandma seemed to all of a sudden be a lot better, making sense and completing sentences, so they're wondering if maybe she's not getting enough oxygen in, and maybe needs to have oxygen here at home. i wish i had some.. (i have had an especially hard time breathing the last couple days because of the horrible air quality).
my grandma's regular doctor didn't seem to want to bother too much with her the last couple times he went in, so maybe all this happened for a reason today.. maybe they will find something through all these tests at the hospital that will help her that her regular doctor would have never found.
he was usually a really good doctor to her before, don't know why that has changed..
thank you to everyone who has been praying for her. please keep her in your prayers.
thank you.

broken_ri @ 2008-10-19T16:51:00

2008-10-19T23:55:03Z

i wish so much i could get up and dance.. there are times when i feel like i could, but of course i can't here.

i wish so much i could go take a walk.. take a walk on the beach, getting some much needed exercise and fresh air. even though i'd have to stop and rest often.

i wish so much i wasn't confined to this chair, and this room, held down, locked in this prison.

of course, the more i just sit, the weaker my body gets, the more aches and pains i get, the more weight i gain.. and the more this depression and hopelessness becomes overwhelming.
i want out.. i NEED out.. i want a chance to live, like everyone else. before it's too late, and this chair, this room, this house that holds me captured steals it all away from me and i end up crippled and confined to this chair or a bed for the rest of my life.
i'm already "super obese", as they call it. and i know it doesn't take long to get like those people i see so often on tv that are so obese they are completely immoble and can't even stand up anymore, or fit through a normal-sized door.
i'm sure this is satan's goal. and i'm sure satan is very pleased that he has succeeded in keeping me here for so long, and how it has taken my health down to much, and how the weight just keeps piling on.

i really wish i could get up and dance.

shoved back down again..

2008-10-19T05:05:49Z

sure does seem like people try to hurt me on purpose..
i don't know why.. what did i do that was so bad that someone would think.. i'm sure this will hurt sheri, but, oh well.. it's her choice.

seems like when someone finds out i'm feeling really bad, worse than usual, they decide to do something that they know will hurt me even more and push me down even further.. why?
like, it makes them feel better, it's fun to cause me more pain.. why? am i really that bad? what did i do that was so horrible? :( all i ever wanted was a friend. :`( and i'm punished for that..

i was starting to feel better today, but now i'm right back down in the depths of this depression. i guess this is just where i deserve to be. :`(
when i do finally start to climb up into the light, someone always just shoves me back down again and stomps on me.. why even try?

the only scenery i ever get is this dark depressing room that feels like a prison. why can't i break free from this prison?? what did i do to deserve to be here? :`( and why wont anyone help me get out?

broken_ri @ 2008-10-17T14:14:00

2008-10-17T21:25:48Z

i'm so hungry. and there's so little food.

broken_ri @ 2008-10-13T16:22:00

2008-10-13T23:42:09Z

i woke up so hot in this room i can hardly breathe
the sun blaring in the window so bright it hurts my eyes
i can see around the side of the blind, though the blaring sun, that the sky is clear and blue
depression hits me like a huge wave, knocking me down
the pain is intense, and i start crying
i look at the tv and there's yet another autumn commercial on, with bright beautiful leaves, people in cozy sweaters, nice cool weather, and unimaginably beautiful scenery
the pain just hit me so hard today... i know for me its just another day closed in this room, just sitting in this chair.
i read people's facebook and lj posts.. i wish so much that my 'ordinary' days were something i could look forward to.
i just sit here and read about everyone else's happy and exciting lives.. i think about how i miss out on so much just sitting here closed up in a room day after day. it feels like a prison.
especially this time of year, when i know people are out there enjoying the beautiful autumn weather and scenery. which could make any ordinary day, wonderful and extraordinary. all i can do is see pictures and watch it on tv.
it hurts *so much* knowing i am missing yet another beautiful autumn.
i haven't even been to the beach in 10 months. most people in san diego probably can't even comprehend just sitting in a room (especially all through summer), and not going to the beach. i haven't seen rain in over 6 months.. which is even more depressing than not going to the beach.. i've barely even been out of this room at all for over a year now. it just keeps getting harder and i'm exhausted.. exhausted from struggling so hard every day just to try to make it through one more day.. wanting and needing *so much* to get up and get out there and get healthy, but just stuck in this prison.
how could anybody expect me to feel anything but horrible..

christina

2008-10-06T03:23:22Z

i hope someday i can be more like christina.
the kid called up a radio station (radio disney) just to share the gospel with the dj!

fasting and praying

2008-10-05T07:50:56Z

pastor garlow has been encouraging us (skyliners) for the last couple weeks to fast and pray as a church, with other churches, throughout california for prop 8 (to protect marriage), and also for personal breakthroughs.
at first i didn't feel motivated to do this, but during last weeks sermon i did feel god was telling me this is something i should be doing.
of course i know i can't fast using food, for medical reasons, and the first thing that came to me was tv. but i didn't feel like god was telling me that he was expecting me to turn the tv off for 40 days. what i heard was, 1 hour a day.
i know, that probably sounds pretty pathetic, but for me that is a big deal, and i know that at times, tv does keep me from having the relationship with god that i should have.

i've realized lately that i think about the things that are important to me, the things i know need to happen, all the time, but i don't really talk to god about them. : / i guess i get in the habit of thinking god knows what i need, so i forget or just don't try, to talk to him. but i know he wants me to talk to him, about everything. how can you have a relationship with somebody if there is almost no communication?
having an a/c again allows us to have the door and window closed again, so that cuts back on the constant chaos, even though we can still hear it, and get people constantly knocking at the door, or just coming in, it does cut back on it a lot. so that helps. i do wish i could get away to a park or the beach or somewhere like that to have some alone time with god, where there are *no* interruptions.

but anyway, i was going to be getting started on this fasting and praying thing a few days later than the rest of the church, but i wanted to start in anyway. but that night, it didn't happen.. then the next day came and went, i didn't do it again.. the 3rd night i got a little over a half hour in.. (i was going to get a half hour in and the a half hour in later on.. didn't happen : / ) the forth night, nothing.., nothing again the 5th night.. and nothing the 6th night either.. today is day 7..
i have totally failed on this.. :( i'm not giving up, but i suck. :(
i don't know what to do, should i start over? should i keep going? i don't know, i'm just feeling really crappy about this.
i know i need to do this in the daytime, bacause at night i feel too exhausted, but in the daytime is when the chaos is the worst and its just usually almost impossible to do it here.
i need to be able to spend time with god when i am ready, not just when everyone else finally goes to bed and there's finally some quiet.
when we lived in the apartment i talked to god throughout the day, because i could do it whenever i felt like it, my mind wasn't consumed with noise and chaos.

i know an hour a day doesn't seem like much to some people i guess, but if i could spend an hour a day with god, that is about 57/58 minutes more than i usually do : /. and i was hoping it would become a habit.
ugh, i suck. :(

--

broken_ri @ 2008-10-04T10:52:00

2008-10-04T17:56:14Z

i slipped and fell in the shower yesterday.
i'm so sore all over. and i keep finding more bruises.

my birthday

2008-10-02T07:24:46Z

well, atleast everyone eventually told me 'happy birthday' today.
last year, only my mom, grandma and joyce did.
('everyone' does not include tracey, but i don't count him anyway)
i got no gift or dinner, but atleast i got that, i guess.

broken_ri @ 2008-10-01T23:05:00

2008-10-02T07:04:41Z

today was unbelievably miserable. the weather report says today was the hottest day of the year. i believe it.. :( it was really horrible, especially in this room. i've had the worst heat headache i've ever had, my whole body is still aching.
and it's going to be another hot, horrible night. there's still just hot air coming in.
i wanted so badly to go somewhere air conditioned, but i knew i wouldn't be able to do what i needed to do to go anywhere, because of the heat, so i didn't even ask if we could get a ride somewhere. besides, we don't have any money to even get a drink or anything if we were dropped at the mcdonald's or somewhere.
today was pure misery.
didn't feel much like a birthday.
oh well. :(

birthdays

2008-09-30T20:50:52Z

i'm still being blamed for ruining the 'family' dinner (brandon's birthday dinner) last week, because i refused to go in and be in the same room as tracey.
they said that jeni was crying and making a big deal that we ruined the dinner
and i got yelled at by both lori and jeni about it. and my mom keeps saying that it was ruined because we didn't come in.

it didn't sound very ruined to me, we could hear plenty of laughing going on while they were eating in there.

i decided 3 'family' dinners ago that i am not going to put myself though that anymore. if tracey is going to be there, i'm not going in. they already knew this so this should have been no surprise.
for some reason no one understands that i get nauseous when i have to see or hear him, i get physically sick.
and brandon certainly doesn't want to be in there with him either.

so anyway, now my mom said that we just wont have a family dinner/celebration for my birthday.
fine, i guess if they can't have it without him, then don't have it at all.
so i guess the choice isn't 'him or me', it's him or nothing. :(

i wish i had friends to celebrate with. :(

broken_ri @ 2008-09-30T01:39:00

2008-09-30T08:55:25Z

i get so tired of not being able to do what other people can do, because of my health problems.
most of my life i've gotten left out and left behind, and made to feel like a burden for dragging people down.
and so many times i just didn't get invited to go somewhere because people don't want me dragging them down.
friends have dwindled..

now i just get to hear about stuff, and see pictures of the fun.
people out doing all the fun things i wish so much i could do.

my health just keeps getting worse as each day passes and i'm not able to get up and do anything.
the hope of me getting healthy gets smaller as each day goes by.
someday i will pass the point of no return. then it will be too late.

i just want to be healthy. i just want to be able to live too. :`(

broken_ri @ 2008-09-23T04:05:00

2008-09-23T11:18:08Z

happy
birthday
wayne!

potatos

2008-09-20T05:03:34Z

been really shaky and weak today. i almost fell down a few times. probably because my last 8 meals or something have been tater tots. not a good thing when you're hypoglycemic/borderline diabetic. one of the worst things i could possibly eat, actually. along with pasta or sugar.
but, it's really cheap. and i'm grateful i have at least that. but when i get like this, sometimes i wonder if i'm heading into a diabetic coma, or something. it's a pretty scary feeling.

broken_ri @ 2008-09-17T16:16:00

2008-09-17T23:23:19Z

we're so low on food it's scary. :(

broken_ri @ 2008-09-12T20:45:00

2008-09-13T04:30:00Z

i thought it was bad enough when i thought tracey just wasted money on a *stamp*, (plus the time, effort and trouble he took to print these papers out, and print the envelopes out, and then drive clear across town to mail it). but now we find out he actually paid $15 to download the first eviction notice! and probably *another* $15 for the second one we never even ended up seeing (yet?).

that just shows what kind of malicious person he really is.. he will actually *pay money* just to make someone miserable. he so totally enjoys making us miserable..
and i thought it was bad enough when i thought he was just wasting his time and energy to do things to me/us. like cutting my phone cord, disconnecting our cable.... i could go on for hours about all the malicious things he's done over the past 14 years.
he's always enjoyed making me miserable, but since i've had brandon here, on my side and helping me, he doesn't like that, he wants to get rid of him, and he has tried his best to do that, by trying to turn brandon against me, and now by trying to *make* him leave. tracey wants me to end up alone and homeless because he thinks i'm a loser and i deserve it.

broken_ri @ 2008-09-11T16:51:00

2008-09-11T23:59:28Z

i get so tired of living this way... :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
everytime i hear his voice out in the hall or brandon says he hears him, or i see him walk by, even if he isn't talking *to* me, or *at* me, or *about* me, or looking at me, it still makes my heart stop. i get so scared it feels like i just got electricuted, kicked in the chest, and then my heart starts pounding *so* hard it feels like its chocking me. and from the chest up everything just starts feeling tingly and numb.

i hope someday i can help people in situations like this. people that are abused, and stuck with no way out, and no one will help.
because, it's just amazing to me that people *know* i am in this situation and they *could* help, but don't. everyone just lets it happen. they even *watch* it happen, and just say nothing. they must think of me as just as much of a loser and a nothing as he says i am if they just keep allowing this to happen to me. how can i think anything but that myself?

eviction papers

2008-09-11T04:17:34Z

he did it.
he actually did it..
i don't know if this is a fake paper he type out himself, of if this is a real thing from the court.
but he tricked my grandma into signing this paper!
my grandma, who is in the beginning stages of alzheimer's.
she came in a few minutes ago, upset, apologizing to us, saying she did sign a paper tracey wanted her to sigh, but that she did it to keep him from making trouble.
my mom said that my grandma didn't really realize what exactly she was signing, and now my grandma feels really really horrible.

at first, i was just scared, scared for us. wondering what was going to happen to us tomorrow, where will we go? how will we get anywhere? brandon hasn't been driving the car for the last couple weeks because the insurance ran out, plus there is no gas in it anyway. not even sure if there is enough gas to get to a gas station even if we did have any money to get any.
but now i am more mad for what he has done to my grandma, she feels like crap now because she signed this paper. she just kept apologizing, and saying she didn't mean anything by it, that she just didn't want any trouble from him. but she didn't know what she was really signing, and to just ignore the paper when he gives it to us and pretend it doesn't exist.
but even if the paper can be 'ignored', he now has a piece of paper to hold over us with my grandma's signature on it. he now has yet another excuse to bully us, another reason to believe that he has control over this house and everyone in it.
he knows how to do it, he controls by fear.

so we are terrified right now, and i am mad as hell that he has done this to my grandma. that he has caused her to feel so bad now, thinking she has betrayed us. she is not doing well, she's only been back from janet's for a few days now, but she is so different.. it's hard to watch.. very hard to watch.. :( and she says she doesn't think she is going to last much longer.. that she can feel it.
and if she does go while feeling this way, i'm not sure i will ever be able to forgive him. i feel absolutely horrible because i know she is feeling bad about what she did, even tho i know she was tricked, and i don't want her to feel this way. and i certainly don't want her life to end with her feeling like this. or with me feeling like this.. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

my mom is now having chest pains and feeling really bad.. so am i.. :( brandon has been crying.
i mean, he's doing all this just 1 day before the big custody trial for serena.
he hasn't served us the papers yet, he plans to do that tomorrow of course, on the 11th. but i'm sure you can imagine the stress already going on here because of the court trial, and he does this right in the middle of it, right at the most stressful time.
and stressing my grandma out is just unforgivable.. especially in the condition she is in now.

he really has hit a new low.

we do know god is in control. praying he sends help toget us out of here real soon...

heat

2008-09-04T14:01:27Z

i've been getting some pretty severe heat headaches lately.
i think these are the worst headaches that anyone can possibly get. : /
the heat has been so much worse the last couple days, it's been getting to over 100 degrees in this room during the day. i wake up so hot with my head hurting so bad. at first, for a while, i can't move or talk to try to ask for help, for a cold washcloth or drink or bunny bottle or anything. and the headache just hangs on all day long, no matter what i do.

i hate summer so much..
well, summer in southern california, or anywhere else anywhere near this hot and humid.
the heat just makes me so sick.. to the point i feel like i'm going to throw up or pass out. and it's a constant struggle to breathe, with chest pains. and i have no way to go anywhere to get away from it.
but do you think anyone in this house takes any of this seriously enough to do anything about it?
they never have. :(
(well, i know my mom or my grandma would go buy another a/c unit for me if they had the money. but unfortunately they're the only two in this house that *don't* have money. and no one else seems to care).
it cools off some at night, but the humidity doesn't get any better.

a/c

2008-08-27T09:53:10Z

i hadn't realized how much better my heart problems had been since we got that little air conditioner unit for our window last year. until it died last week. :( since then i've had a *really* hard time breathing again. today was the worst yet though. i have to struggle so hard to breathe, especially in the middle of the day when it's so hot. my chest gets really tight, and i get really bad heart pains. it feels like someone is standing on my chest. and all around my mouth goes numb, like the circulation is being cut off somewhere.

the chest pains are just *so* bad again.
i'd almost forgotten how bad they used to get..

it's a *little* better at night/early morning, when the air is a little cooler. but not much. it's still very humid, i still have to struggle so hard to get a breath.
it's just been miserable. :(

i mean, with the a/c i still had *some* problems, because i still had to go out into the rest of the house, to use the bathroom etc. or when i go somewhere, like church, and getting to/from the car, etc. but at least i had a/c in this room where i spend 99.9% of my time.

and we were getting a *lot* done with downsizing and organizing, but that has come to a complete stop since the a/c died. we can't do anything in this heat.

the cause

2008-08-17T07:25:52Z

its cool that The Cause has their church services at the beach sometimes. but it sucks for people like me and brandon who don't have the money for the gas and cant make it there.

i think its sad how it seems that most of the young adults at church seem to think that everyone at church is well off. that 'the poor' are people outside the church somewhere in the 'bad' parts of town. poor people certainly could not be 'in' the church, or living anywhere around the church.
they talk as if poor people are different then "us" (skyliners). and they just assume that everyone can afford to pay for the events they put on and charge money for, which is every event..
don't know how many times i've heard then say, "no excuses, it's only $5, *anyone* can afford $5!".
it almost makes me feel sad for people that grew up so well off, with their well off friends, that they just don't get it..

anyway, why go to the young adult events anyway? i'm an invisible freak that people look right past at church, why would it be any different at an extra event they put on?
besides, tracey always takes advantage of going to the young adult events now, and i certainly don't want to go anywhere like that if he's going to be there. it's bad enough he goes to the regular church services and i have to see him there, which is so distracting.. but saturday evening is the only service i can make it to.
i cant try to talk to people and try to make friends when he, or anyone else in my family are there watching me. especially him though, he knows too many people there now. i sit there and watch him sometimes, its sickening the goody-goody act he puts on when he's at church. just sickening..

anyway, i usually can't make it early enough to go to church on sunday mornings, i really wish i could, i really like going then. the morning services are just.. different.
so when they cancel the saturday night service and go have it somewhere else, like they did tonight, off far away, and mixed with an event that costs money, then that just means i probably just don't get to go to church at all this weekend. :(

broken_ri @ 2008-08-04T22:46:00

2008-08-05T06:32:48Z

happy
birthday
bran!

please pray for my grandma

2008-07-24T16:30:16Z

she's still at janet's visiting. janet calls and gives up updates. plus my mom and joyce talk to her (grandma) often.
for a while she wasn't getting any better or worse. but janet called yesterday and said while they were playing a game of cards, a game she has played practically everyday for years now, janet said she had to stop in the middle of the game and re-explain to grandma how to play.
so that's not good. :(
the time i talked to her on the phone was very upsetting to me, it was like she was talking to someone she barely knew. :(

she *still* hasn't seen a doctor yet about this, and i guess she can't until she gets back home. i don't know why, she's gone to doctors there many other times for other reasons. stupid HMOs.
if this is alzheimer's then she needs to be seen and treated immediately.

flu

2008-07-16T20:06:45Z

im really sick of this stomach flu
i've had this for a week now and it has gotten *alot* worse in the last couple days. :( i've barely been able to do anything (except run back and forth to the bathroom).
sucks when i can barely type or be on the internet.

ugh.. i was feeling a little better so far today, but now my stomach is starting to hurt really bad again.
sigh. :(